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The State of the Evans
The following is an edited transcript of a conversation between two people named Evan and one person who was granted the honorific for practical purposes.
EVAN: Well, Evan and Evan and small Evan on four legs —
EVAN: I don’t think that’s accurate. I’m just lying down.
EVAN: I beg your pardon. We can correct the record and start again.
Evan and Evan and the Evan that is Lying Down — as you all know, we gather together every year on April 15th to discuss the state of the Evans. Notes from last year’s State of the Evans unfortunately only seems to have the word ‘yes’ written down, which — we should make a note to take better notes regarding The State of the Evans.
EVAN: Duly noted.
EVAN: Sometimes you just gotta check in. Are the Evans?
EVANS (unanimously): The Evans are!
EVAN: And why don’t we have that as our segue into checking in — Evan. Do you want to go first?
EVAN: Evan! Evan.
EVAN: Well, hi, everyone. Evan here. And I feel like the state of this Evan is … I’m gonna say, ‘Sleepy.’ But it’s a bold sleepy.
EVAN: Is this a current sleepiness? Is this Evan — that Evan, I should say; Evan, as in you, Evan — sleepy on April 15th, 2023? Or when we think about The State of the Evans in a year-long sense — has your year been a sleepy year?
EVAN: I beg your pardon. This is why you’re Vice President, Evan. I’m trying to collapse the event horizon of my personal sense of the Evans into a single linear sentence, but you are correct in noting the discrepancy in time. This Evan — as it currently stands — is sleepy, but over the course of the past year, I would say that this has been an Evan that has traveled. We have managed to take The Word of The Evan not only to multiple different states here in the United States, but also to other countries as well. I can confirm that other countries are aware of Evan, and I hope that’s something that we — as Evans — can all be proud of.
EVAN: Yeah, I hear one country in particular has interned an Evan to study Evan-ness to see if they can produce their own Evans, so, you know — more updates on that later. Hopefully next year we’ll have an update on the state of that Evan. It should be said that Evans are clearly a matter of international intrigue.
EVAN: Hear, hear. Evan — would you like to go next?
EVAN: Yeah, Evan can go next. The state of the Evan is thus far so good. Evan would be remiss to not note that April 15th is a sad day in The History of Evans. But April 15th is also an anniversary of new beginnings in some ways for The Evans. For this Evan. And Evan has been thinking of doors in a significant way for months, really.
EVAN: What happened on April 15th?
EVAN: Well, you can check the record. It’s there. The record does show — well, we don’t have to get into that. But, yeah! The state of the Evan is whimsical, broadly speaking. Evan will be doing some walking tours with a book in a few months and will be in Philadelphia, Chicago, and Missouri, two of which are places Evan enjoys thoroughly, the other of which is —
EVAN: Well, thank you, Evan. And I don’t believe we have a Missouri chapter of the Evans as of yet. As we all know, one of the derivations of Evan is from the Greek word ‘Evangelos,’ which — literally translated — means, ‘Bringer of Good News,’ so let’s hope the people of Missouri will see and acknowledge that in that fashion.
Evan — I hear you had an interesting conversation with an astronaut named Evan the other day that you thought might be worth bringing to the meeting. Can we hear more about that, Evan, or is that going to be for the closed-door session of the Evans?
EVAN: Well, Evan was in space recently. It was very sad. We missed Evan. Looks quite good with a helmet and floats very gracefully, I must say — and did not run into the sun, which I think is the most important thing to know, because Evan is still here. I’m grateful for their safe return, praise Bezos. Would you care to tell us about your visit to space, Evan?
EVAN: Yes, well, as you know, I went into space as an honorary Evan to visit all of the stars people have named after Evans over the years since the foundation of corporations that allow people to name stars after their children … spouses … So I went to see — you know — Evan Smith and Evan D’Angelo … They’re mostly sort of small stars. I can’t say that I found any Evans on the stars, but it felt important to tour the places in which earthly Evans have made their mark on the universe, I would say, because not all these stars are in our solar system. I unfortunately did not encounter any extraterrestrial life, which was a sub-purpose of the mission — in particular, whether or not any of these extraterrestrial beings would be named Evan, but I think it’s safe to assume that they would have been had I encountered them.
EVAN: Sorry. Did you say, ‘Evan-terrestrial?’
EVAN: No. That’s not what I said. You’re ‘Evan-terrestrial.’
EVAN: That’s right. I’m sorry.
EVAN: This is extra-Evan-terrestrial.
EVAN: Right. Extra, as in, beyond.
EVAN: Not ‘more than one.’
EVAN: Our sub-sub purpose of our trip to space was renaming Uranus ‘Evan.’ The jokes have gone on for too long. It’s a silly name. It’s a name that undermines the majesty of a planet — to be able to make asshole jokes constantly — and so we were looking into renaming Uranus ‘Evan.’ So far, there’s been … a little bit of pushback from NASA, as well as the Oval Office, but — I think — this coming year of the Evans — we will continue to worm out way in there … We could get a couple more Evans in Congress … A couple more Evans high up in the administration … And, slowly but surely, I think we’ll get closer and closer to a planet named Evan.
EVAN: Now — quick potential question of clarification, Evan — and, thank you for your service, Evan — I think all of us Evans are on board with the idea of renaming Uranus ‘Evan,’ but we nonetheless remain curious and cautious as to whether or not the asshole will continue to apply to the name Evan regardless of the name in place of said planet. Do you have any comment on that?
EVAN: To be clear: we’re renaming your anus ‘Evan,’ not my anus or their anus. It’s your anus.
EVAN: Oh, I’m fine with that. I’m cool with that.
EVAN: Sort of an ‘Evan-in-an-Evan,’ if you will.
EVAN: Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
I — that is, Evan Fleischer — came up with the idea for this improvised bit well before Russia’s unlawful detention of Evan Gershkovich, a reporter for the Wall Street Journal who should be free.